you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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