I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
