I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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