i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
