What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
