This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
someone owes me an orgasm
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
