Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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