I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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