I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Randomize
