I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
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