I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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