Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
