Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
