Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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