I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
