Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
