i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
