I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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