I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
