New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Text me some of your sweat
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
