omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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