My nipple is on Facebook.
Buhtt sex?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
