Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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