my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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