There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
