I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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