Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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