honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
