she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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