i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
