not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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