Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
