At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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