You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
