so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
