i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the condom got lost in my hair
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
