Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
