i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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