She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
