If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
