I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
