can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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