Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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