At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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