Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
