i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
what day is it and did you see me today?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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