shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
