why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
