Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
