he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
