You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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