i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
