i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Pants are for mortals
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
